I believe the time is now to have a coup'd'etat; to overthrow the current NASCAR government. We'll need supplies to take the tower and Hollywood hotel, we'll need to commandeer microphones, change scanner frequencies, rewrite the rule book, lower ticket and beverage prices. So much to do. Please advise and we'll appoint you to the NASCAR supreme court.

Signed: Committee against mobsters in NASCAR

Dear Committee:

I think this can be accomplished rather easily. First off, we'll ask Bill Weber to look up "coup'd'etat", so we don't have to. Between him and Dave Burns, this will keep them busy for at least the next 7 years. We'll tell Mike Helton that we are having a "coup'd'etat" and he'll think it's some sort of French Pastry and he'll be off on his way pushing and shoving to be first in line. This should also keep Benny Parsons busy for some time as well.

To capture the Hollywood Hotel, we just need to pose as Hair and Make-up Stylists and Chris Myers is sure to let us in. We'll give Hollywood Hammond, DW and Larry Mac a 10 race truck deal with T-I-D-E on the hood and they'll be oblivious to the outside world as they put DW back in Victory Lane.

We'll destroy the Etch-O-Sketches and actually print real rule books. We'll keep John Darby on board, as he seems to be the only sense of reason in the NASCAR Hierarchy.

All we need now is a large media forum to televise the races. I am off to check E-bay. I heard ESPN's Motorsorts department is up for sale and the bid is at $14.23.

What has happened to Shawna Robinson? About four years ago she was wandering around pit road in Daytona looking quite voluptuous with her jumpsuit unbuttoned nearly to her waist.

This year she appeared quite gaunt as she started out driving the BAM race car. In mid season she seemed to disappear.

Did she continue to lose weight and vanish altogether?

Signed: Wacky in Westport

Dear Wacky:

Since the kind folks at BAM racing have decided not to tell us what is going on over there, one can only assume the worst has happened. My best guess is that BAM was trying to lure Jimmy Spencer to drive their cars for 2003 and as a token of their sincerity and good will, they actually fed Shawna to him.

I have just wrapped up the Winston Cup Championship. My anger management councellor has suggested three seminars for me. They are:

1. The Bin Laden crowd avoidance seminar at a lovely mountain retreat in Afghanistan.

2. The Saddam Hussein public relations seminar in downtown Baghdad.* (see note at bottom)

3. The Mike Tyson charm school.

Conflicts with my schedule prevent me from attending all three. Which two would you recommend and why?

*Saddam got 100% of the vote in a recent election. His opponent requested a recount.

Signed: Name Withheld

Dear "Anonymous":

I wouldn't recommend any of those. My suggestions for you are any of the following:

The Ike Turner "Success at all costs" forum being held in an alley in L.A. somewhere.

The Michael Jackson "Parenting and Public Relations" school, held from the 12th floor balcony of The Hilton.

And if all else fails, I recommend the new book titled, "Intestinal Foytitude" by A.J. Foyt.

You'll be hearing from my lawyers. When a person undertakes to offer advice in a public forum they assume the liability for the advice they dispense, and for the cries of help they ignore.

I sent you an earnest plea for advice and help on which two seminars would be most beneficial for me to attend. My cries were ignored.

Now, as a result of not getting your recommendations, I totally lost it. I comitted the unpardonable sin. I insulted Winston Cup fans and the cars. I hold you personally responsible for my actions. Even some of my defenders have turned against me, and it's your fault.

I hope you get probation.

Signed: Name withheld.

Dear Nameless:

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you in time to save you from yourself. The only big problem I see, is that now that you have called your race car a "Taxi Cab", even more people will be lined up now to get a ride and hang out with you.

I heard that you were going to cover the Baja 1000, but never saw anything more. What gives?

Signed: I love Robby (Gordon, that is)

Dear Lover:

The details of that trip are still a bit sketchy, but let's see what I remember.

With the NASCAR season over and 2 weeks until the banquet, I found myself in the same condition as most of you: Withdrawal. Of course, Alison was happy because now she would be able to spend more quality time with me, since I wouldn't be deeply rooted in this website and the racing. It almost worked except, I remembered that Tony Stewart was running some Midget cars and Robby Gordon was running the Baja 1000. How could I convince her to let me go cover one or both of these events?

It wasn't going to be easy. I frantically put together a last minute plan and presented it to her. "Honey...", I said. "Since your birthday is on the 22nd and we don't really have any plans for Thanksgiving, why don't we go away for the week. Some place nice and far away from NASCAR. How about Mexico?"

She took the bait and we started packing and got ready to go.

We flew out to Cabo San Lucas in the Baja Peninsula and settled in to our hotel. I went to the hotel bar to see if I could get directions to the Baja 1000. The problem: No Habla Espanol. After several Margaritas and Tequila shots, I managed to to stumble back to the room. I don't remember leaving the bar or returning to the room, but when I awoke in the morning, Alison was pretty mad and had nicknamed me "Drunk Rob, No Pants". If you're familiar with Sponge Bob Square Pants, my theme song went as follows:

OH, who pukes on the bed at a quarter to 3? Drunk Rob No Pants.
Who's rude and obnoxious and bullish is he? Drunk Rob No Pants
Who stood in the nude while the maid cleaned his mess? Drunk Rob No Pants
This proud moment, wasn't one of his best. Drunk Rob No Pants

After much kissing up to Alison, we were off to find the Baja 1000. She thought we were looking for some stores to go Christmas shopping. Well, I'll save you all the details, but let's just say that as most of you know, the Baja 1000 happened 2 days BEFORE we left for Mexico and I did not realize this until after we got back. The only NASCAR interaction I had was with a guy on the street wanting to buy my Bill Elliott shirt from me. He said you can not get NASCAR stuff in Cabo.

I want to thank Mario and the entire staff at La Finnisterra Resort for making our trip great. Mario is a wild man and definitely the resorts biggest asset when it comes to Customer Satisfaction.