There is a lot of talk about NASCAR stepping in and not allowing certain sponsors such as AT&T, Verizon and others that compete with Nextel. I think this is bad especially seeing as how sponsors are getting harder to come by. Have you heard of any other sponsors that NASCAR may be blacklisting??

Signed: Greed Kills

Dear Greed:

Actually, I was just talking with my "inside source" the other day and he informed me that NASCAR was looking heavily in to one of Michael Waltrip's new sponsors and was probably going to have them removed. It appears that now that Just For Men is sponsoring Mikey and advertising that they can "wash away the gray in 5 minutes", NASCAR has hidden their rule books and are very afraid of the possibilities if Just For Men were to get a hold of one of them.

I was thinking about writing a movie and I was gonna feature all NASCAR drivers and I wonder if you would like to be in it, and ask other drivers if they would like to join. If ya'll don't want to be in it I'll cancel it.

Signed: Charlotte T.

Dear Charlotte:

Here's a great idea for a NASCAR movie: The sun rises over the track and the cars are lined up on pit road. The National Anthem is sung, poorly, and the drivers start their engines after some jackass corporate suit tells us why we need to buy his product.

The cars pull out onto the track and get ready to go green. Some idiot chants a wannabe catch phrase and the race begins. The cars fight to get single file and basically stay that way all race.

The race is determined by fuel mileage and pit strategy and the only lead changes are during green flag pit stops. The audience misses most of the race because the movie theater keeps breaking to redundant commercials and incessant self promotion.

Hmmm, that would never work….nevermind….

In light of Jabba the Helton's recent statement at the Ephedra hearings, at which he stated that NASCAR cannot issue blanket policies about sponsorship to individual teams, I have a question.

Do you think NASCAR should hire Baghdad Bob to be its spokesman? He has plenty of experience at telling whoppers, and he is more fun to watch than "The Big Show". Not only that, I think he has more credibility. To top it all off, he's available. What do you think?

Searching for some truth in the world of NASCAR.

Signed: Tired of lies

Dear "Tired":

I too found it interesting that Mike Helton would testify under oath that NASCAR can not control what sponsors are on cars or at the tracks. Isnt this the same NASCAR that disallowed sponsors that wound up closing down Eel River Racing? Isnt this the same NASCAR that is disallowing AT&T, Verizon and others?

I think the Iraqi Information Minister would be a great addition to NASCAR. We all know that Mike Helton is just a "face" that the France family has put out there and he has no say or control, so why not use "Baghdad Bob" and have some fun with it.

What is your take on the Kurt Busch - Jimmy Spencer deal?

Signed: What's up in Cup?

Dear Wazzup:

I think the whole thing was a misunderstanding. The media is all over this and has made Jimmy and Kurt both out to be bad guys. They have used this story to fuel a fire that might not actually be there. I remember the same story as a kid and we all loved it then…….

It was called Pinocchio. Let me see if I can sum it up.

Pinocchio (Kurt Busch), was a puppet created by Gephetto, or as I like to call him Jackphetto Roush. Jackphetto thought that this new puppet would be the key to his future success and riches. One night, the Blue Fairy, (Sharpie) came along and made Pinheadio a real boy over night. But, the catch was that he had to prove himself brave, truthful, and unselfish to be a real boy.

So who did the Blue Fairy appoint as Pinheadio's conscience? Jiminy Spencer.

Jiminy's job was to teach Kurt, ummm, Pinheadio, right from wrong. But one day they came upon some rascals led by J. Worthington Foulfellow , a FOX, or was that a FOX employee? Anyhow, they stopped Pinheadio and convinced him that being a superstar was better than being a good boy. All this went to his head. "Hi-diddle-dee-dee" he sang, "A celebrities life for me!".

Pinheadio became an overnight success and the leader of the show, Stromboli (Heltoni), knew he had something there so he locked Pinheadio in a cage to keep for himself.

This is where the story turns sweet. Jiminy Spencer did not give up on poor old Pinheadio and decided to rescue him from his cage. While trying to comfort him and save him he asked what went wrong. Pinheadio lied and made up a story how it wasn’t his fault and how he had nothing to do with it and the blame wasn't his.

Suddenly his nose began to swell and grow and he was frightened. But before the Blue Fairy could explain to Pinheadio that his nose was growing from lies that were plain as the nose on his face, the cops showed up and arrested Jiminy Spencer and threw him in jail. Heltoni saw to it that since Spencer messed with his prize puppet boy that he was punished and forced to miss the next race.

But the story doesn't end here. Did Pinheadio learn his lesson? No, he continued on and again became the bad boy he wanted to be. He met up with a boy named (Lampwick), Harvick. Harvick said, "Give a bad boy enough rope and he'll soon make a jackass of himself". And it was true. Pinheadio actually started to turn into a jackass, big donkey ears, tail and all.

Jackphetto set out to rescue his puppet boy once and for all and in the process was swallowed up by the media whale, Monstro. Pinheadio agreed to be a better boy and take on a mentor and apologized and the Blue Fairy agreed to let him be a real boy.

I have an idea for a new racing feature that I'd like your opinion on. I was thinking of a Nascar Iron Man Charity race. The theory is a 50 lap shootout at either Watkins Glen or possibly Sears Point. The catch is every 5 or 10 laps the drivers have to pit and shotgun two beers. It could be a nice charity event benefiting organizations such as MADD or SADD. Likely sponsors would be Bud of course and possibly various law enforcement agencies around the country. On the plus side all the die hard fans who dreamed of kicking back and having a beer with their favorite driver can do so by proxy. It can also show the evils of drunk driving, in the process because god knows if the professionals can't hang how would us amateurs. Also everyone has a sadistic side where they like to see the crashes as long as no one gets hurt. We could have specialty paint jobs like the "If you don't like my driving stay off the sidewalk" Chevy, and the "Ocifer take me drunk now I'm home "Ford. Safety vehicles can get into it to by painting their vehicles as Yellow cabs promoting the if you have too much call a cab idea. I think this would be a kick asphalt media event and yet send out a positive message. What do you think?

Sincerely, Wasted in the stands

Dear Wasted:

You are not only wasted, you are demented. You are truly sadistic, evil and have no care for anyone except for your own personal enjoyment. You are willing to put safety on the back burner as long as the $$$ is coming in. If Mike Helton goes to DEI next year, you are the most likely candidate to take his job.